Hello F,
Don't worry, I like your questions. I really do appreciate them. You know I like questions in general especially if they are creative.
I have recently made a friend; she’s really good at answering questions. She makes me want to think of profound questions because I enjoy listening to what she has to say. I like the way she expresses herself. It’s an excellent quality to have and I could only wish to be like that.
Her ways make me want to change; to be a bit more like her. Has anyone ever made you want to change?
Actually, I think it must be fascinating to know that you -just the way you are- have such an impact on other people’s behavior and life. I have told her this, though and she says that this makes her happy. It’s a win-win kind of situation if you look at it. I get to adapt and be more like the person I want to be and she gets to be happy because she’s the reason I want to change in the first place.
Have I ever told you that I dislike change? Sometimes I can't handle change. Like, a few months ago my parents redesigned our kitchen – it was too tiny and unorganized. When you would open the door right in front of you there'd be the fridge. I think that from that one spot in the living room (you know the one I'm talking about) it was such an aesthetically pleasing view. Anyway, we moved the fridge. And as insignificant as this might be for others, I'm sad about it. And sometimes I sit in that spot and remember how much I liked the fridge in its old spot. Can you handle change? Is change a hard thing for you? Or do you see change in a positive way?
I must say I think I am getting better at handling it. Remember when I told you I was sad about not going anywhere on vacation before this summer? I thought it was going to be the end of the world that I was spending my last summer as a teenager at home, remember? I haven’t updated you about this yet but eventually I was actually okay with that. Well, it actually wasn't so bad. I enjoyed being by myself quite a lot. I even had a list; and wrote down what I wanted to achieve that summer, what I wanted to do. I didn’t accomplish everything but I'm also not sad about that. Do you get it? I feel like I am changing. For the better.
Apropos lists – I'm excited about your letterboxd list!
I like spicy food but nothing too hot, please.
The blue color is gorgeous. I also like blue. Dark blue and dark red.
Not too sure if I found the right painting but if I did, I really like it. One of my favorite paintings ever is Judith & Holofernes by Caravaggio.
There’s also this one painting in some museum in London; sadly I don’t know the artist or the title but I have a picture on my phone. I’ll send it to you.
Yesterday I found a copy of a Dostoyevsky book at home and I remembered you told me you were reading one of his books. Have you finished it? If yes was it good, is it recommendable? You can answer of course but I probably won’t ever read it in the near future. I feel like I just can't pick up a book unless it's for an assignment. I hate it. I used to love reading. Is this also part of changing? See? This is why I hate change.
Your outdoor activities sound like fun! Surfing looks really cool but personally, I don't think I could ever get into it. I like going on bike tours. Ever done a bike tour in the city? I did. In Berlin and it was surprisingly fun. (amongst cars, people, buildings, in the park, across bridges under the bright blue sky.) And I also like going on walks.
I’ve never been to Scandinavia but I know what you mean. Would you ever live somewhere else than the US for a longer period of time? If I wrote this a few months ago I would have said yes. But now I'm not too sure. Leaving my family and friends? Hard decision that has to be well thought through.
I'm not sure about marriage. I think it's nice and definitely beautiful but then again I have my doubts about it. But if someone I loved would ask me to marry them, I would. (most likely.) What about you?
Kids: yes. I have always dreamt about having kids.
Speaking of… How is Bowie? He just turned 7, right? Crazy… he was 4 when we met.
Do you actually have one of those Samsung fridges? Haha
I want to send you an excerpt of my diary which I find quite interesting and I believe you might, too. Here it goes:
“Germany is underwater and my feelings are threatening to spill. I want to let go but I have to hold on. It feels like autumn even though it's June. The world is gray and it reflects my emotions. Or am I reflecting the weather? Whatever it may be, I am sitting next to a candle listening to Björk. Debut. Which is very cozy and fall. Or is it only “cozy and fall” because it was cozy and fall when I discovered the album? Am I making everything my own version of itself? Why yes, I am. Everyone is. Everything I hear, read and touch will have something from the outside which will influence the way I look at it or listen to it in the future. It will never just be a thing. An object, a sound. No, it will be something that in a way is my own creation. Something that I will have a connection to. Emotions. And it'll never again be just “something” - it’s everything. All somethings will end up to be one big everything. And that everything is me. And so I’m listening to Björks very cozy and fall album.”
What do you think? I would really like to hear your opinion. As you can probably tell I wrote this back in June. So it’s not really up to date but that doesn’t matter. The main point still stands. I always connect something to another thing. And then suddenly something seemingly little is everything. To me. Is it like this for you? Or is this something only I deal with? I haven’t actually thought about this since I wrote it but I feel like it does make sense, no?
V,
mwah
Viola Szócska is an 18 year old from Germany who enjoys writing about their life and thoughts.
"The Fyodor Phase" by poppet with a camera is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.
