i.
You, powerless to act.
You, unable to wait.
In that moment, I’ll dissolve into a weary darkness,
my eyes closing like an old wound, a growing black speck
devouring the emptiness.
In that moment,
I’ll master the silence,
fall for its lies again,
and shudder once more
at the weight of settling dust. Turn off sorrow.
ii.
Can this body
learn the shape of earth, of streets? Can life soak into my skin, make me whole?
Can flesh become living,
living become happiness?
The noodles go soft.
The bananas bruise.
I eat, I wash, I dress, I go.
Let me walk into the storm, through this heavy, grey street, and find myself
fresh again,
meeting you—
in this vibrant,
joyful inferno.
iii.
In the endless night of waiting, I clutch shame to my chest and do not cry.
There’s too much to cry for.
Even as I watch the ruin begin, I do not cry.
I loathe all liquids,
deny the rule of sweat,
reject the servitude of blood.
What is this?
Why does this world collapse, here, now?
iv.
I don’t believe in miracles. But I’ve endured
a love I couldn’t name,
miraculous in its ache.
I must endure,
stained as I am.
Stained, but upright.
On destruction,
on the voices inside,
on the seduction of pleasure, the pull of addiction,
on the ruin of faith,
on a love that scorched my core but didn’t make me whole—
on the rhythm of death I hear alone, on crushed flesh,
and spirits that return too late,
I write.
Above my navel,
a plane. Beside a walnut,
a hammer. Beneath my skull, a jagged crack.
I write.
Not knowing myself,
to erase yesterday’s sunset, to lighten your heavy day,
to punish myself.
I harden like a weathered cliff. The endless pain puts me to sleep, but even that, I write down.
For the woman,
fragile as a tear,
to love her again.
To keep her from crying again.
With cold eyes, I witness
my quiet defeat.
When I disappeared,
the world reshaped itself.
The fight was over.
Open your eyes.
It’s time to let go.
Jennifer Choi is a passionate high school student enrolled at an international school in South Korea. Her love for poetry began at an early age, and she finds inspiration in exploring themes of identity, love, and the complexities of the human experience through her writing.
"Heavy Rain Shower" by AlmazUK is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
